PhD in Him - Vanessa Hidary (Hebrew Mamita)
"If I counted up all the hours
I'd studied
Read
Focused on
Fucked
Sucked
Cried over
Cried over
Gotten up and been resilient about
Not given up on
Believed in
Loved
Hated
So believed in
Ignored my friends advice about
Talked about
Talked about
Did I mention talked about?
I'd have a PhD in him.
By now, I could have had a PhD
In Philosophy,
Internal Medicine,
Middle Eastern Studies,
Stem-Cell research.
But no, I have a PhD in Him.
Funny how he brings me no income,
No pension,
No future,
No future,
Did I mention no future?
Funny how he brings me no Roth IRA funds
No medical plan including dental
No sense of security
No sense of security
Funny how he became my career
Yes, he became my career
My daily ambitions
My goals
My to do list today reads:
Him
Him
Him
Him
Him
And so don't ask me what I did this year
I didn't write any plays or any books
I didn't do some responsible shit like
Pursue a backup career.
I was fully employed in the fury of him
The fury, the passion
Clocking in 80 hour weeks
Graduated valedictorian at the tippy top of my class
Magna cum fucking laude
And a waste of fucking time
Hours upon hours
Spent figuring out his equations
Riddles
Word problems
Crossword puzzles
Treatment
Cracking his codes
Philosophizing his constitution over grand marnier
Wine
Vodka
Vodka
Oh, did I mention vodka?
By now I could have been a brain surgeon
A novelist
A Pulitzer Prize winner
I could have fed under nourished children
Fought terrorism
Volunteered at soup kitchens
Fuck that – built soup kitchens!
But instead, I have a PhD in Him
Wasted hours in the library of man
So quiz me
I know him better than he knows himself.
I'm that matriculated doctorate ho
Paid full tuition at his All-About-Him University
Ladies have you visited?
See they pat you down at the gates for self esteem
And your core syllabus is a well-crafted list of lies
Study hard, bitches!
You’ve got a paper due Monday morning titled “My man wants to be treated like a man but won’t act like one.”
Who's hiring?
Any of you fools want to sit in my lecture hall?
See, now I'm licensed to teach and preach
Sparing my pride
In hopes that other women will read my dissertation
See, I have a PhD in Him
And my transcript is rolling off my wicked tongue.
Not sure of how my most difficult degree might serve me
But think one day I'll thank him
For reminding me how fierce a pupil of life I really am."
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