Pet Care

There's a story in today's New York Times about pet owners who spend hundreds (and sometimes thousands) on their animal's health care. The writer was inspired to write the piece when his son's pet lizard required $560 in laxatives.

The article made me think about my own pet, a cat named Big Red.

In the past few years, my cat has had a few medical problems and I didn't hesitate to spend the money on his care but the article does raise an interesting question - how much is too much to spend on a pet?

As an exercise, think about what pet your main character would have. Would it be something traditional like a dog or cat, or something exotic like a kimodo dragon or a tiger?

Next, imagine their pet gets sick and requires a medical procedure. What's wrong with them? Is the surgery risky? How much does it cost? Will your character pay for it or let the animal die?

You can learn a lot about a person by how they treat their pet, particularly in an emergency. When you're done the exercise, try it for the other characters in your story.

50/50

My mother successfully underwent major surgery today and now has a pin and a plate in her hip. She is amazing -- when the surgeon tried to tell her the difficulties she would be facing, my mother airily waved her hand and said, "Look, I've had 3 kids. How bad can it be?"

How's that for courage?

In addition to the normal risks, she has COPD and her risk of dying from the anesthetic was over 50%!

She has inspired me to ask myself my current main character would react in a situation like this, and also my villain. My main character interestingly enough, is so unhappy that she would hope for an easy death. This was unexpected. My villain would treat the situation like planning a war, and would do battle, being determined to cheat or bribe death, if necessary.

What about the leads in your current screenplay or novel? How would your hero or heroine handle a serious operation with a 50% chance of death? What about your villain or obstacle?

Hit The Target

The news is all about Black Friday today. According to most reports, stores were noticeably less packed this year. I would like to believe it has something to do with people reevaluating what's important to them and spending less but it probably just means more people are doing their shopping online.

I was intrigued to see that the employees at Target that were interviewed were all wearing different outfits. Sure, they all adhered to the same khaki on bottom and red on top, but they were able to decide which specific clothes they would wear. One guy wore a red hoodie with khaki pants, while a girl went with a red t-shirt and a khaki skirt.

I was reminded of Renee Zellwegger's character in Empire Records who, unhappy with the new Music Town dress code, decides to wear an orange apron and ONLY an orange apron.

As an exercise:
Imagine your character has a Christmas job at Target. What outfit would they decide on? Remember they have to stick with red on top and khaki on bottom. Now do the exercise for your other characters. How would your hero and villain's outfit differ?

The Human Family

My mother fell yesterday getting out of a cab and broke her hip in 3 places. After getting her settled in the hospital I got into a cab and gave directions to the cab driver. When we reached 79th street and Central Park West, he asked me if I'd said 72nd and Central Park West, and I said,"No," but as he missed the turn onto CPW and headed towards Columbus, I said,"I meant 71st between Columbus and Central Park West."

It was midnight and it was deserted so he stopped the cab and said angrily," I asked you if it was Central Park West!"

"I'm sorry, my mother is about to undergo major surgery, and I'm a bit upset. sorry for not being clear. Please forgive me."

He resumed driving, made a U-turn and we headed down Central Park West. "I forgive you already and It will be okay," he said, " I understand, you can't replace a mother."

I asked him about his mother and he said, "Oh, she passed away in 2003. I miss her so much."

"I'm so sorry - how did she die?"

"She had a heart attack. We were still in Africa then. My mother was 81. One day, she got up in the morning, took a shower, and then sat down in a chair, and didn't get up. My wife found her and called me. she said, Your mother won't talk to me, I can't rouse her. I came, and there she was. I had never experienced something so shocking."

Our eyes met in the rear-view mirror for a moment in shared recognition. There was a silence as we turned down 71st street, and there was a feeling that we had gone from cab driver and ditsy passenger to members of the same human family. I suddenly felt that I could cope with whatever was going to happen. That feeling of connection is something to be grateful for indeed.

GQ Men Of The Year

The annual GQ Men of the Year issue is on stands now and includes Clint Eastwood (Icon), Chris Pine (Breakout) and The Hangover Guys (Funnymen).

Rather than discuss who should or shouldn't have been on the list let's use it as a jumping off point for our writing.

As an exercise:
If your villain was included in a Men of the Year issue, which category would they be included under? Are they funny, or a song and dance man or a great leader?

By figuring out what makes your character likable, you will ensure that your antagonist is a fully-formed three-dimensional character.

Thanksgiving Dinner Reconsidered

In an earlier post, I discussed using Thanksgiving as a source of conflict for your script but this time I'd like to approach it from a more hopeful place.

Despite the craziness that often accompanies this holiday, Thanksgiving can also be a comfort to those experiencing a personal upheaval in their own life. Those of us concerned with the uncertainty about the economy, or the war, or the health of a loved one, can enjoy a moment of sanity in the collective rituals that come with this annual event.

For all the stress and drama that comes with this day, there are also moments of clarity that come with just being with friends and family you don't always see (and don't always appreciate) or falling asleep in front of the game.

So, this year, instead of freaking out about whether you'll have enough turkey or stuffing or pie, give yourself permission to take a moment to consider your heart instead of your stomach.

Because what is giving thanks, really, but sharing a happy story with those you love.

Happy Thanksgiving.


A fun exercise for Thanksgiving:

Take a minute to think about which of the Macy's Day balloons your character would be. Be sure to consider their temperament, as well as their date of origin.

Would they be a classic character like Snoopy, or someone more recent like the Ask Jeeves guy? Would they be heroic like Super Grover or an underdog, like Underdog?

Sometimes we're so close to our characters that we find it difficult to boil them down to one or two characteristics. This exercise will help.

Politics (as usual)

I was reading about Lou Dobbs' political aspirations today and it dawned on me that even people who have reached the heights of their profession are looking for the new adventure I discuss in The Four Magic Questions of Screenwriting.

Dobbs has stated that he'd be interested in running for a senate seat from New Jersey, or even for the presidency.

As an exercise, consider what level of government your main character would pursue. Would they run for a senate position like Robert Redford in The Candidate or Jay Billington Bulworth in Bulworth? Or something more local like Kevin Kline's character at the end of Dave or Tracy Flick in Election?

By determining which level of government your character aspires to, you can figure out just how ambitious they really are and how much time and money they're willing to spend to get what they want.

Let me know what you come up with for your own character.

Weekend Writing Tip

It's the weekend -- How are you and your characters the same and how are you different?

A weekend is supposedly more relaxed than the week, and has its own different rituals. This slower pace can give you time to reflect more deeply on the nature and motivations of your characters.

Exercise: As you walk through your Saturday, identify your personal weekend rituals, and notice what you enjoy doing the most, and least, then ask how does my main character and obstacle feel about the same activity? I know that while I enjoy seeing my family, my character regards it as torture, and my villain become almost teary-eyed when he sees his family. My obstacle would never lower himself to do laundry, and my main character resents having to do it.

I just had an idea for a scene that will have a lot of built in conflict -- a difficult discussion about their motivations (the heroine to get free from the obligations of family, and my obstacle maintaining his superior position) that will be heightened by the subtext of the laundry being done.

Let me know what you come up with!

Let It Ride!

Chris is in Disney World this week and he has sent me a couple of emails about his trip. He was surprised to see how each ride has its own story - with a beginning, middle and end - and relies on narrative structure and not just loops and turns to entertain.

As an exercise, watch this video of Star Tours (the Star Wars ride at Disney's Hollywood Studios) and think about how the story can be broken down using The Four Magic Questions of Screenwriting.



Now think about a movie you've seen that doesn't fit the typical "theme park" mentality and think about how you would turn that into a ride at an amusement park. How would you design a ride based on Citizen Kane, American Beauty or even 12 Angry Men?

Finally, consider your own story. What elements would you include in a 4-5 minute ride based on your screenplay. Is your story a fast-paced thrill ride through the old west or a harrowing journey into your main character's psyche?

By taking the time to think about what other people would find interesting about your story, you'll be able to think about why the other areas might not work.

Good luck and happy writing.

How To Make Your Characters Real

Today, I worked with three of my private students -- one novelist and 2 screenplay writers -- all three were wrestling with getting the characters to seem alive and like people we actually know.

I suggested that they revisit movies and books that they love and try to see why the characters feel so real.

What are your favorite movies and books, and what have the creators done to make the characters seem like "real" people? After watching these films or reading those books, try to write a scene with your current characters and see if there is a kind of magical improvement.

Hints: Look for small behaviors and how the characters speak for clues.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving dinner means something different to everyone. To some, it's a great way to reconnect with the people you love and appreciate how much you have. For others, it's a stressful balance of egos and emotions.

Below I have posted three examples of Thanksgiving dinners on the big screen. Each of them includes elements of the feelings and emotions I have described above.

As an exercise:
Imagine the characters in your screenplay are going to spend Thanksgiving together. Who will host the event? What will they eat? Will anyone be a no-show? Who sits at the head of the table?

What Did You See?

When I'm working on a new story, I always ask (and answer) the same question to help get me started:

"What did you see yesterday that affected you in some way?"

After asking myself the question, I use the first image that I see, and make up a story.

Yesterday as I was walking from Lincoln Center and talking to a friend about not how to stop making excuses for not doing things, we were momentarily blocked by a handsome, gray haired man who emerged from his brownstone, crossed the pavement just as we approached, and threw away a single crutch. The synchronicity of the moment amused me and I took it as positive reinforcement of current efforts. The story I created was about a man finally accepting the death of a lover, and so he cleans out his house in order to begin anew.

Out of the exercise came one phrase I liked: "In the middle of deep fall, the man was feeling spring awakenings, new buds forming on the old gnarly tree of his heart." Overdone? Of course, but I enjoyed writing it.

The exercise is that once you recall the thing that struck you, you spend 15 minutes making up a story about the events that lead up to that moment for that person. It can be about a still life as well. For example if you were in Riverside Park at the Marina, and sat on a bench and enjoyed the view, you could make up a story about the last person who sat where you did.

You'll find that this exercise cures the existential angst and puts you in the mode for your current project. It also trains you to put an image into words, very useful for screenwriters.

For Your Consideration: Fred Melamed

It's always wonderful to hear when talented, creative people get the recognition they deserve.

My old friend Fred Melamed gave an amazing performance in the Coen Bros.'s new film A Simple Man. And people have taken notice.

MovieCityNews, in a column about people who deserve an Oscar nomination say:

Fred Melamed is Sy Abelman in A Serious Man, playing the kind of role you would normally see the Coens give John Turturro. He’s odd, quotable, and unforgettable. This is a film of great performances, including supporting actor Richard Kind. But people will be doing Sy Abelman imitations for a long time to come.

Read the entire column here.

Steven at The Austin Film Festival

My friend Steven Arvanites (of NYCScreenwriter fame) posted a great recap of his experiences at the Austin Film Festival. Watch it below.

Friday The 13th

Ask yourself, what is the significance of Friday the 13th to you, and to your main character? This can be a powerful secret to give a hero or heroine to create more conflict. If a character regards Friday the 13th as a bad day, then everything they do will be fraught with hazard.

Our beliefs about what we are, or what we are not capable of, can be like superstitions -- like the Russell Crowe character in L.A Confidential who believed he is too stupid to be a detective until the Kim Bassinger character shows him that it's just not true.

What if the film, Run, Lola Run, had also been set on Friday the 13th? Would this have added even more tension?

I'm working on a book with a talented writer about a Olympic skater who believes that unless she has a special piece of jewelry that once belonged to a world champion, she won't win.

Exercise: Is your character superstitious? What beliefs or superstitions are keeping your characters from achieving their goals in your screenplay?

The Defining Event

My wonderful student Debbie had a story published at More.com. It's a touching story about overcoming illness and how it affects the patient and their family but more importantly it's about experiencing your defining event.

One aspect of developing characters that I focus on when developing characters is asking writers to find a "defining event" for their main characters. In my book, How To Write A Screenplay In 10 Weeks, this question, "what is a defining event for your character ?" is used to find the character's motivation in an organic way. Clearly, there are always several choices, but every life-changing experience, whether "good" or 'bad" causes big changes, and understanding what happened and how it changed your character is a powerful way of learning the key to how your character operates.

For Real

My friend Sona Jain's debut feature, For Real, sneak previews in NYC on Sunday Nov 15, 2009 at Noon at the Quad Cinemas. Its playing as part of the MIAAC film festival.

The official world premiere is later in the month at the International Film Festival of India in Goa.

The film tells the story of a child’s determination to keep her family together, when the all-powerful adults are intent on destroying it. Six-year old Shruti knows something no one else does. An alien has come in place of her mother and her real mother has been sent to the Orion Galaxy. While the alien looks just like her mother on the outside, Shruti knows she is completely different from her beloved mother on the inside. Shruti turns to her brother for help but he doesn't believe her. Her father, like always, remains wrapped in work and unavailable to her. Unable to accept the Alien in her home and desperate to be with her mother, the lonely child runs away. What follows is a child’s passage to finding her real mother, a man’s struggle to save his family and a woman’s journey to finding herself. Also with Zoya Hassan, Adil Hussain, Sameer Dharmadhikari Sriharsh Sharma Churai. Sarita Choudhury and Sona Jain in person.

Links to the screening and ticket booking are available below:

CLICK HERE TO ORDER TICKETS

Casting Your Main Character

Writing your main character with a specific actor in mind can really help you get the larger picture of your story.

My wonderful student, Jeff, is writing a marvelous romantic comedy with a late thirties heroine and he's almost done. In his imagination, he uses the actress Sandra Bullock as a reference point for his character and he uses what he learns about her to expand his own character and story.

He recently read about how her latest film, The Blind Side in Entertainment Weekly. It has a spiritually uplifting aspect - the story deals with a trivial person becoming important by helping someone else. Jeff realized that he needed to add this dimension to his story which concerns the heroine making a decision that will alter the world as we know it. His insight will allow him to create the kind of screenplay I talk about in my latest book, The Four Magic Questions of Screenwriting - the New Adventure, in which, the character can fulfill or forfeit a dream and continue their journey into a new kind of third act where the character both realizes his or her dream and pursues a new one.

Jack Hayes Pilates

Most of my posts are about helping shape your characters but for a change today, I thought I'd help shape you :)

My good friend Jack Hayes has had a successful performing career as a professional Broadway dancer for 2 decades and brings an intimate knowledge of exercise science to each session. From rehab patient to elite athlete or anything in between, the studio will address your needs in a safe, encouraging environment.

If you're in New York, and want to work with Jack, just click the link below.

By Appt Only
60 W 71st Suite 4A
NY, NY 10023

Mention MARILYN HOROWITZ and receive $10 offer a private session (normally $85)

CLICK HERE TO CONTACT JACK

A story is a story is a story

Every so often you have a day that makes everything worthwhile. Monday was that day for me!

In the morning, I completed my reading of a 350-page novel, submitted by a new student, a novelist writing a family saga that spans more than 50 years! In the afternoon, she and I had a story conference where I evaluated the draft and helped her to define the scope and focus of her rewrite. She and I will then meet once a week and I will guide her through this arduous task.

In the evening, I taught my NYU class, Writing The Screenplay In Ten Weeks, based on my book, and worked on eight screenplays with a group of talented and dedicated screenwriters! Each week we read aloud a scene from their scripts, then design and refine the next piece of the story that will be written.

I am a novelist as well as a screenwriter and have had the privilege of working with many writers on all kinds of stories, as well as helping writers to adapt their novels into screenplays, their screenplays into novels. I have also helped many writers conceive and write original novels, screenplays and non-fiction books. After more than 12 years, I am clear on what makes a story good, whichever form you're writing in. A good story is hard to define, but easy to recognize as soon as you begin to read it. Because I am a coach as well as a writer, it's my job to find a way to define a good story, and help writers get sold, published and produced.

Here's a brief checklist that I use to guide my students and myself:

1. Have a good title

2. Have a great concept that appeals and suggests possibilities.

3. Create characters with strong voices and have a real understanding of their true need in contrast to what they believe they want.

4. Structure the story as a mystery to be solved with secrets to be revealed, and keep it as simple as possible.

5. Don't get it right, get it written!

Good luck and happy writing!

The Creative Business of Screenwriting

I will be teaching a class entitled The Creative Business of Screenwriting tomorrow for New York Women In Film & Television tomorrow night. If you're interested in writing a marketable script or finding out why your script isn't selling, this is the class for you.

Space is VERY limited. Register now.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THE CREATIVE BUSINESS OF SCREENWRITING

Packages For Writers Of All Levels

Just a quick note to update you on the upcoming classes and other resources I think will really help your writing process as we make our way into the new year. I've tried to include as many different options as possible, so please read all the way through to the end.



FINISH YOUR SCRIPT (PRIVATE 9-WEEK COURSE) - STARTS JANUARY 20 & 21 - JUST 3 SPOTS LEFT

The winter semester of my 9-week writing course is filling up fast and I don't want you to miss out if 2010 is the year you plan to finally finish that story and get it ready for market. If you're working on a screenplay, this is the program that GQ magazine says will "genuinely get your first script completed."

Register before December 1st and receive a $50 discount and a FREE 45-minute script consultation.


***Contact my office at 212.600.1115 to REGISTER TODAY.





THE FOUR MAGIC QUESTIONS OF SCREENWRITING - PRICE GOES UP NOVEMBER 20TH!

Since I launched my new program - The Four Magic Questions of Screenwriting - at this year's Screenwriting Expo, there's been a big demand for my home study course. The price was supposed to go up on November 1st but a few writers who couldn't make my Expo class have asked me to hold off for a few weeks. So, as a favor to them, I will continue the $100 discount for a couple of more weeks.

Price goes up on November 20th. Order now by clicking the link below.

***CLICK HERE TO SAVE $100 WHEN ORDERING THE FOUR MAGIC QUESTIONS OF SCREENWRITING



THE CREATIVE BUSINESS OF SCREENWRITING - TOMORROW!

If you're in the New York-area this week and you're interested in finding out how to sell your script (or find out why it isn't selling), I hope you'll be able to join me for one of my favorite classes to teach, The Creative Business of Screenwriting at New York Women In Film & Television. Space is EXTREMELY LIMITED (and this class ALWAYS sells out) and despite the name of the group, men are welcome.

***CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THE CREATIVE BUSINESS OF SCREENWRITING TODAY





HOW TO WRITE A SCREENPLAY IN 10 WEEKS - NOW AVAILABLE!

Every semester I have the distinct pleasure of teaching a class at New York University. My current session is amazing and I feel blessed having the chance to work with so many terrific writers. Registration for the next semester opens soon. If you're interested in getting a headstart, the textbook is available for order at the link below.


***CLICK HERE TO ORDER HOW TO WRITE A SCREENPLAY IN 10 WEEKS

The Second Theatrical Extravaganza - Part II!

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending a show written by 8 different writers, set in a graveyard, with Fate embodied by a handsome actor in a posh suit trying to keep two young lovers from committing suicide. To do this he raises the ghosts of various famous people, including Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. to talk the two "star-crossed" lovers out of their plan. Good stuff. The play itself still needed work, but it was expertly directed by my dear friend and colleague, Rick Mowat, and well-acted by a talented and enthusiastic group of actors. A good time was had by all, and kudos!

Here's the exercise: Answer the following questions for your main character, and then write it up as a brief monologue.

1. If your main character were driven to consider suicide, what would drive them to this act of desperation?
2. What would be the setting and weapon of choice?
3. What historical figure's ghost could talk them down and what would they say?
4. What would your main character do a result?

Boys & Girls

In the upcoming movie Salt, Tom Cruise was replaced with... Angelina Jolie.

As an exercise:
Who would you cast as your main character? Then, if you replaced your main character with an actor of the opposite gender, who would it be, and why? Now try it with your villain or obstacle.

Second Theatrical Extravaganza!

This is a great show directed by my good friend Rick Mowat.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

Trick or Treat

It's a weird time of year. People are revving up for Thanksgiving, with an eye to Christmas, but there are still remnants of Halloween tricks (smashed pumpkins, toilet paper, etc.) scattered around the neighborhood.

As an exercise:
Think about what your main character's idea of a Halloween trick would be? Would he destroy someone's display, egg their house, or something much worse? Now do it for your villain.

By determining how far your character is willing to go on Halloween, you can determine how they would handle other situations.

Mickey Mayor?

In today's New York Times, it was announced that Mickey Mouse is being reinvented as a cunning trickster for a new video game.

It's evidently a return to the Mickey of the 1928 cartoon, “Steamboat Willie.” In this cartoon, according to the article he "was the Bart Simpson of his time: an uninhibited rabble-rouser who got into fistfights, played tricks on his friends (pity Clarabelle Cow) and, later, was amorously aggressive with Minnie."

It made me wonder about what, as a society, we have come to value. In New York, Michael Bloomberg (cleverly?) arranged matters so that he could have a third term. As I was voting, I heard a few people say, "It feels a little Mickey Mouse to me."

On the one hand Bloomberg has been creative with the law, but on the other hand, he has had a financially successful and peaceful reign. What do you think and what would your main character think about all this?

Hidden Messages

I just finished reading an incredibly touching story about a little girl, with just a few months to live, who hid love letters and drawings around her house for her family to find after she passed. To read the story, click here.

It's one of those stories that is simple and beautiful and yet would probably be rejected by Hollywood for seeming too unbelievable.

Sure there are similar stories, P.S. I Love You comes to mind, but all of them feature an adult. The fact that this was a 5-year-old girl masterminding the notes is what makes it so wonderful and yet so implausible.

I have been inspired to reevaluate my current writing project by this young girl.

As an exercise:
Imagine your main character is writing a series of messages for their loved ones to find after they're gone. What would the notes say? Would they include pictures or mementos, or just rely on words? Where would your character hide the notes? Would they be stuck haphazardly around the house, or in places that have special meaning for the other characters?

The more you learn about what your character has to tell the people they love, the easier it will be to decide what they have to say and do to get that message across.

Good luck and happy writing.


BONUS EXERCISE: Decide what your character needs to tell someone in your script. Now, like the little girl in the story, hide little hints throughout the script. Maybe your character always holds the door for a girl he secretly likes, or makes sure she gets inside okay before driving away. Think about these little touches that will make your good story great.

Complaints & Grievances

As a writing teacher and coach, I often worry that I don't have enough time to work on my own projects. However, recently, I realized that I was using time as an excuse not to get them done. My life changed almost instantly.

Now I'm hard at work on my new story, and realize WHY I was arguing for my limitation: writing this story is painful, and is causing me to see things I would have preferred not to.

But, I also feel I am doing what I should be doing.

When I teach about how to build characters, I suggest to my students that they try to find the character's inner conflict and use that to drive the story. If I were a character in a story, the inner conflict would be about being a writer.

If you can see what your characters complain about and ask yourself what if they fixed the problem, you may find the that you already have what you need for your story.

Good luck and happy writing.

Where's The Dog?

This phrase is a running joke in the film, Shakespeare in Love, and underlines how much we love stories about the relationship between humans and animals.

Using a pet in a screenplay can create great originality and is always a crowd pleaser.

In a screenplay I am developing with one of my private students, a character has to choose to let a pet die for a greater scientific gain that will help humanity.

I asked my student to think about famous animal/human relationships in drama and consider how that scenario would play out in those stories.

For example, if Dorothy were a scientist and Toto were the pet used in an experiment, how would the story be influenced? If the scientist were Ahab and the pet, the White whale? Holly Go-Lightly and Cat in Breakfast At Tiffany's?

Consider your own story for a moment? Does your character have a pet? If they did, what type of animal would it be? How would your main character react to sacrificing it to save humanity? How could you use this idea to improve your screenplay?

Sesame Street

Check out Katie McLaughlin's new story - all about Sesame Street - at CNN.com.

All We Really Want

As I was leaving my tango lesson with my friend Daniel today, I passed a lady on a cell phone. she was crying and said into the phone, " All I want is for somebody to think I am important, to really pay attention to me."

You can't make this stuff up -- or if you do, it sounds corny and "on the nose," but my point is:

The lady on the phone said the truest truth. And if you faithfully ask what it would take for each of your characters, especially your villains and obstacles to have that need met, it could take you a long way in your screenplay.

Exercise: Imagine that your hero or villain is on the phone saying those lines -- who are they saying them to? In reference to what behavior? At what point in your screenplay does this phone conversation take place?

Running Dialogue

Chris ran the 40th New York City Marathon yesterday. He managed to finish in about 5 hours despite limited training and/because of a two week bout with the flu. He was nice enough to record his thoughts along the way.

Start – I’m standing in my corral with the other runners who the New York Road Runners club feels are at or about my level. I quickly find out their estimation is way off. Everyone is smarter, fitter and better prepared than me. It’s like university all over again.

Two thoughts:
1) Why is it called a corral for people and a starting gate for horses? Is this anything like the driveway versus parkway thing?
2) How many penises are too many to see before noon? Whatever that number is, I’ve surpassed it today.

Mile 1 – I’m run walking with my corral mates. They are going on and on about what they’ve done to prepare – hill training, speed training, eating healthy foods. I’m slightly concerned.

This is the first time (of many, I’m sure) where I think how much faster this would be in a car.

Mile 2 – Those other runners are idiots. Barney (How I Met Your Mother) was right: “You don’t train for a marathon, you just run it!”

Mile 3 – Waitaminute, didn’t that episode end with Barney on the subway unable to walk? I hope no one finds me incapacitated and takes my iPod because it would be tough to explain most of my play list.

I see a sign that says GO CHRIS! I pretend it's intended for me.

Mile 4 – I stop for a drink for the first time. It’s not water. It’s Gatorade. Lemon lime. I spent a summer working in a shingle factory in my hometown when I was in high school and one of my responsibilities there was filling every water cooler with Lemon Lime Gatorade. I drank about 1000 cups of the stuff that summer. When I take my first sip now, I smell tar.

Mile 5 – The second comedy bit by Todd Barry comes up on my iPod. His material isn’t really marathon appropriate (i.e. no pounding bass) but he’s funny and I laugh out loud.

There’s a girl crying while she stretches her hamstring at the curb. I wonder what she’s listening to.

A guy with an artificial leg runs past me. What an inspiration. Time to suck it up. I think of Terry Fox.

Mile 6 – The crowd support in Brooklyn is phenomenal. People of all races, colours, creeds and sexual preferences (I assume) lining the streets, cheering us on.

My iPod is playing “Been Caught Stealing.” I’ve seen 3 or 4 signs that read: “Run like you stole something.” Is the crime rate back up? What about all of the Bloomberg campaign ads I’ve seen? Are they running during the TV broadcast of this marathon?

Other signs along the way:
Do it for the beer!
Pride Is Forever
Think About Sex!
Go Mike!
Go Emily!
Allez Jean-Paul!
Honk If You Love Running (Screw you, Brooklyn hipster!!!)

Mile 7 – A different guy with an artificial leg runs by. I realize how many advances they’ve made in artificial limbs in recent years. Is that a motor? Eff that guy.

Mile 8 – I think it’s Paula Poundstone who has a bit about working at the International House of Pancakes. Her customers thought she was slow. She claimed it was from the maple syrup on the floors.

I’ve run through a bunch of Gatorade stations. I feel Paula’s pain.

Mile 9 – A guy runs by on two artificial legs. Eff that guy, twice.

Mile 10 – A song by Cosmopolis comes up on the iPod. I know a couple of the guys in the band. They live in Brooklyn. If I survive this thing, I should call them and hang out. Brooklyn isn’t that far from Manhattan and I should really take advantage of what it has to offer more.

Mile 11 – Running more than 10 miles goes against everything we are. Running was only used to catch food. Nobody would chase dinner for more than 10 miles. Just wait for the next, slower animal to come along.

Mile 12 – I’m never going to go to Brooklyn again… ever.

Mile 13 – Word just trickled back that the winner crossed the finish line. One of the volunteers clapped and said “Halfway!” I don’t like either of them.

Mile 14 – J.K. Rowling said it best: “That absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad.”

Mile 15 – Four runners from Italy, two guys from Denmark and a girl from Spain stop for photos on the bridge.

A guy runs by me in full Captain America costume, complete with about 15 pounds (?!?) of fake muscles. If I weren’t so tired, I’d hurt him.

Mile 16 - I pass my apartment building. If you lived here and you weren’t running this stupid marathon, you’d be home by now. My family is here to cheer me on. They seem so happy for me. Really puts everything into perspective. I would kill any one of them for something to eat.

Mile 17 – Prior to the race, I read that at a certain point you begin to feel every pothole, crack and bump along the way. That’s not true. It’s so much more personal than that. You feel every extra slice of pizza you’ve eaten, every beer you’ve downed and every Thanksgiving dinner. And remember in high school you liked that girl and even though you didn’t smoke, you’d go outside and stand with her, breathing in every cigarette? You feel that too.

Mile 18 – “Honk If You Love Running.” Heh.

Mile 19 – WHERE THE HELL IS THE BRONX?!?

Mile 20 – THIS IS THE BRONX?!?

Mile 21 – WHY DID WE GO TO THE BRONX?!?

Mile 22 – An old man pushes me out of the way for the 3rd time this marathon. If I’m so slow how do I always end up in front of him? “Dude, you ain’t gonna win, relax.”

More Bill Hicks on the iPod. Is this why I’m so angry?

Mile 23 – Sweat in my eyes. How can my own sweat hurt so much? Has this race turned me into some sort of Milhouse character who’s allergic to his own tears?

There's a sign that reads WE BELIEVE IN YOU, LAURA! What's my name? Am I Laura?

Mile 24 – Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” comes up. I would kill for some of my mother’s spaghetti, right now.

Fuck a beat, I'll go a capella. Fuck a Papa Doc, fuck a clock, fuck a trailer, fuck everybody. Fuck y'all if you doubt me. I'm a piece of fuckin' white trash, I say it proudly. And fuck this battle, I don't want to win, I'm outtie. Here, tell these people something they don't know about me.

Mile 25 – Taking evolution into account, how important are toenails, really?

Mile 26 – The last week at the shingle factory, I had to empty an entire silo of a talc-like byproduct. After five days of shoveling, I couldn’t breathe, my whole body hurt and I was hearing voices. Why am I thinking of that now?

Finish – “Being attractive is the most important thing there is…” – Nada Surf

Christopher Moloney’s NYC Marathon play list:

Note: I didn’t actually make a play list for the run. I just hit shuffle.

“Blonde & Blue” by Headstones
“I Think We’re Lost” by Ron Sexsmith
“Meet Me In The Tower” (Acoustic) by Ours
“Hard To Be A Girl” by Adam Green
“Wonderboy” by Tenacious D
“Life’s Too Short Little Ndugu” by Moneen
“Dandelion Wine” by Ron Sexsmith
“Finale” by Todd Barry
“Alumni” by Todd Barry
“Been Caught Stealing” by Jane’s Addiction
“Noise” by The Diodes
“Can’t Explain” by Love
“Proud” by Tegan & Sara
“As I Wander” by Ours
“Enid” by Barenaked Ladies
“Child Star” by The Diodes
“Chapter 1” by Alan Cross (from The Alan Cross Guide to New Music)
“Let Down” by Bif Naked
“Angels Heap” by The Finn Brothers
“Fake Plastic Trees” by Radiohead
“Starpainters” by Gordon Downie
“Slow Parade” by Cosmopolis
“Fake David Bowie Song” by Liam Lynch
“Oh Come, Angel Band” by Johnny Cash
“Fleet” by Eugene Mirman
“Summer Blowin’ Town” by Ron Sexsmith
“Sometimes” by Ours
“If God Will Send His Angels” (Big Yam Mix) by U2
“Australia” by Bill Hicks
“The Shining” by Badly Drawn Boy
“Teen Wolf, Gay Marriage” by Eugene Mirman
“Come On” by Tegan & Sara
“Carrot Rope” by Pavement
“When I Grow Up” by Garbage
“Vs. The Audience 2” by Bill Hicks
“European Boys” by Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players
“Dirty Day” [Junk Day Remix] by U2
“Girl of Your Dreams” by Bill Hicks
“Mysterious Ways” by U2
“Wilbury Twist” by Traveling Wilburys
“Were You There (When They Crucified My Lord)” by Johnny Cash
“Roth Kung Fu” by The Salads
“All You Got” by Tegan & Sara
“No Surprises” by Radiohead
“The Great Beyond” by R.E.M.
“When He Comes” by Johnny Cash
“Sperm Bank Babies” by Todd Barry”
“Karate” by Tenacious D
“Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash
“400 Metres” by Sloan
“Trick Rider” by Gordon Downie
“Making Love With You” by Old 97’s
“The Old Account” by Johnny Cash
“For The Driver” by Ron Sexsmith
“Vivid” by Electronic
“The Start To This May Be The End To Another” by Moneen
“The Modern Age” by The Strokes
“Am I Right?” by Erasure
“Girls & Boys” by Blur
“Fake Pixies Song” by Liam Lynch
“Stacked Crooked” by The New Pornographers
“Where Do The Days Go?” by The Flashing Lights
“Dream Baby Dream” by Suicide
“Lose Yourself” by Eminem
“Trees Lounge” by Hayden
“Fiesta” by The Pogues
“Bounce” by Danko Jones
“Getting Old Sucks” by Lewis Black
“Stan Bowles” by The Others
“Have A Nice Day” by Stereophonics
“Hurricane” by Bob Dylan
“Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen
“Broken Leaf” by Tangiers
“Popular” by Nada Surf